You Day 39

It was like I lost a 1000 pounds

I go therapy. I had abandoned it for many years but started back last August. I have a weird relationship with food, one I think many people have. I love to cook and eat. I love to cry and eat. I love to laugh and eat. Eating is central to my enjoyment (at least for as long as I remember.)

Exercise - I love to hate but I also really turn to it and obsess over it. When I'm stressed out or upset, I tend to either eat an entire bag of potato chips or workout for three hours. It's a strange parallel. I realized, I've been doing this again. I haven't been overeating, I've been trying to fill my current emotional state with 19,000 steps followed by an hour of yoga. I need to find a balance.

I, sometimes, say I want to be thin so I can disappear. I feel like sometimes thinner people are either treated better or at least left alone. Conversely, very heavy people are almost invisible. I think that's why I like being in both of those extreme states. I need to find a balance.

This is what I finally figured out today and I think it will be life changing. I want to be able to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to know I'm beautiful rather than having someone tell me or wait to tell me that I'm beautiful.